In 2017, I found my favorite authors Naela Ali and Rupi Kaur when I was strolling around bookshelves in a bookstore to find something fun for me to keep my eyes open during the nights. One year later, I met Naela Ali in person on her launching event for her latest book. I used to not having a favorite person particularly in literatures and arts. There was one moment I tried signing up on Tumblr and Wattpad, I felt welcomed to be there with my amateur writings and my anonymous readers. Unfortunately, I forgot my passwords then I never tried to find my way back to all accounts too.
It’s been my third year on Medium and I had few drafts I left unfinished. I am a curious person as something that led me to be on Medium was an author who put his link for his commercial texts on the last page of his book. I’ve never heard of this platform all my life. Fairly, I never had a boldness to write anything unless writing academically. I was never convinced of my ability to put my thoughts on a piece of paper. I was pretty bad at my native language as well. I wasn’t used to read long texts unless for academic purposes only.
Some of my friends told me to try making weekly four-panel comic strip on Webtoon but I felt nothing is attractive from me I could draw on it. I would puke up if I could remember my embarassing moments clearly. I like dark jokes but I will never use it to entertain some people because it cannot be acceptable for everyone and I’m fed up of making sorrows in me for fun gradually. Many things happened for two decades ago of my life that made me had the strong urge to find a new hobby to flee from reality. I heard that writing is a friend of reading, so I started approaching both of them in a crazy way. I embarked writing from short notes on my phone until I can write long in front of laptop without hesitation. Here are the reasons I find myself boldly writing (trashes) out of me :
a) I grow from worries day by day
A year ago I had to deal with sleeping pills because my worst insomnia came back for days. I was so familiar with this experience since when I was 16 I could go through it for a week without medical helps and in 2018 I got my second insomnia but I could handle it when I decided to sleepover in my friend’s place. Gleefully, I could sleep in a few minutes after talking to her. Still, my dad keeps checking up on me frequently about my relationship with those pills whenever we are on the phone. I’ve fully committed to stop consuming it indeed. I don’t have anxiety disorder but I could be a professional worrier when it comes to the future. Believe it or not, I don’t want to call the future with the “one day”. In my stupidity, repeating the “one day” is like waiting for that day turns to be “yesterday”. On my best days, I want to be a visionary. On my roughest days, I just want to live in the moment and let life flowing out of my expectations. I realized that no bad things will occur when it’s never meant to be. I shouldn’t go too far with my mind from what is already written for me. I don’t want to get lost in my head, so writing has been so helpful for me to stay focus in the present.
b) Writing becomes my solace
Let me call myself have a greed for having too many hobbies. I hate myself for that for real. People said in your twenties you can try everything and becoming a generalist until you become a specialist. I have great enthusiasm for many new things with little time undeniably. I really want to learn swimming (I was born and grew up for years in an island surrounded by ocean but sadly I can’t swim), bouldering, knitting, playing an instrument, skateboarding, ….countless lists but the easiest I could learn could be baking pastry because I have huge love for breads and cakes. I consider writing as one of most effective pastimes with chaotic life. I will let anything on my mind comes out onto writings in comparison to let them waiting for the unexpected time to explode on a wrong medium. I always want to make sure I have a control over myself and I will feel remorseful if I’d go out of borders I make for myself. I could cry over myself before somebody would make me dejected. I could fail myself before people would disappoint me. I could break my heart before anyone could get the permission to shatter it into pieces.
c) My vulnerability is my greatest inspiration
The main concern of my writings could my vulnerable self in the pasts. I am still vulnerable and I will always be. I am just a human and I won’t deny my natural traits as well. I will never refer myself as a wise person but I believe in every wise person came from their darkest place. Everything else can inspire me. Commonly, my inspiration can be from the things I stare at, the places I’ve been to, and the people I’ve had talks to. I had worst moments I got to pass since I was 12 and maybe a bit younger than that. Reckoning I will always bring some traumas in me eventhough I recovered and moved on from miserable situations. I hope I could be a good keeper to my painful self and I will remain calm when triggers come up suddenly. Life is about bittersweet things. The hardest pill you will swallow is not everyone will stand with you and you are the first person who should show up, respect toward yourself and accepting your imperfections. Regardless of whatever you are capable to do.
d) I gain strength whenever I write
In the lowest point of my life, I always try to keep writing for one or two sentences. No matter how hard for me to get up from things that attempt to drag me down for many times. I just feel that I can come back stronger and finding more hopes after writing something. Being tough is a must but gaining strength needs some trial and error for me to know where it exists and how it grows. I couldn’t write a lot when I am too happy and too sad because I will need time and space to process and to accept what I’m going through. I could forget how sad I’d been when I am feeling too happy and in return. All I bear in my mind, don’t make a decision when you are angry and don’t make a promise when you are happy. Both condition could be risky for everyone including you as a decision and promise maker.