I used to be someone else. I was never my true self and I was never honest to myself. Probably it might be caused I was pushed by the idea of perfectionism that took the whole space on my mind and the avoidance of dealing with failure because I usually could get what I wanted without too many obstacles like a rejection for example. I also started questioning about my specialty and attractiveness that can send me to a place I want to be. I have so many things I ask about myself. All my life, I’ll always have questions that I will try to look for the answers one by one.
Time after time, I grew up developing my skeptical and critical thinking about almost anything. I can’t admit this to everyone who knows me because I don’t wanna make they look at me as someone who has wild thoughts. I can’t put my trust easily on somebody or on something I read, hear, and see in person. Sometimes having trust issue can save you from a danger or unwanted situation. Your mind can be helpful for some certain matters.
I still keep in mind the sentence as a foreword in my undergraduate thesis is you are allowed to be you and it has become a part of my identity in my writings and other activities too. I was tired of masking my vulnerability so my family and close friends wouldn’t even notice everything I felt inside my heart and things that messed up my mind. You know you couldn’t enforce yourself to look fine for long time when your time has come to be vulnerable with all the damages you sense won’t be able for you to hide anymore.
No matter how good you are at covering your grieves and wounds, it will definitely be an exploison that is inevitable one day. That is from my personal experience and journey of healing and confronting my painful self. I managed to recover and I let the professional helps to interfere my past self that affected my perspectives of my current life and my future life that I want to build.
Loving yourself unconditionally needs a consistency and the acceptance of yourself for who you are and for whatever you feel is not as easy as you think. It takes effort and courage to practice it continuously. No one will come to give you an unconditional love until you truly accept and appreciate yourself for how you see and treat yourself too.
