Perhaps I used to live without knowing how to feel truly alive.

bea.
2 min readNov 8, 2022

Good news always made me excited and sometimes I felt more driven after hearing about nice things. Whereas, bad news made me felt things around me stopped working and moving. I didn’t have an idea if it only happened to me but when I asked some of my friends they did feel the same once in their lifetime. It’s no longer about quarter life crisis but it’s more than that matter I didn’t enjoy every moment of my life and rush anything. I’ve seen some people my age changed their direction because being high achievers with complicated thinking would mean nothing to the reality is in front of them.

Out of blue, I felt something went wrong in my life and in myself. I tried to look for the answers to every question I always had on my mind. Maybe I was in hurry to almost anything and I didn’t think of slowing down. The moment I’ll be slow is when I am sick as hell. I never decline the times I should be ill because it’s blessing in life to accept that I’m not doing well then I can recover quicker than I deny telling myself I’m always doing fine. That might be strange but I see it is what will work out for my condition anytime.

Another thing made me didn’t sense I was truly alive is my mind couldn’t stop working when I needed it to rest in the night. I didn’t reach the level of deep sleeping because half of my brain still bring the unfinished things I didn’t put down somewhere on notes. The insistence to keep making my thought works all the time did make things were about to explode in my head. The only solutions that effectively helped me out are do not do self denial to what you feel, enjoy your progress, romanticize what you do, visit the unknown, and talk to your people. Just do whatever can make you feel more alive and be mindful in living includes in eating and sleeping.

In my case, I feel like having great support system has given me more acceptance and understanding that it is better to take a look at the progress I’ve made until now. I’m so thankful for reassuring parents, sisters and friends who remind me of my existence matters and my progress is more important than the failures and rejections, or any kind of result that left me numb and felt dumb. When you put your expectation is higher than your real situation, you’ll always be suppressed by the thoughts of having a desire to make a perfect life without obstacle and unable to accept that bad things and good things that can come and go anytime. It could be no perfect time for something and we ought to be open for every possibility that is coming in the present moment. This is one of many things I learned during my recovery for sure.

--

--