In my entire life, he was the first person that made me found the strength and weakness I have in myself. All the things I never could discover within myself without his assistance. He knew myself better than me. It’s been three years now since I tried to move on from the thoughts of getting back and waiting for another story could be restarted with him. I left that idea that in the past because it deserves a place in my life but it doesn’t affect my current perspective of someone new. Love feels strange when I become a stranger to someone I used to love deeply. I think I’ll never be able to hate him and I can’t be friends with him anymore too. It will revive the pains and things I decided for myself to be forgetful of many lessons he brought into my life.
However, I never want to make a comparison and standarization are based on himself. I am open to every possibility of every man that tries to get to know me but I am not easily falling in love with the men seemingly are good. I want the right man who can accepts me for who I am and the right one to exchange my view of life and so forth. Also, I want someone who can let my vulnerability is something I can openly talk to someone who wants to be vulnerable around me too, so we have nothing to hide from each other. It can hurt me if we laugh together but someone cries in the corner of his room alone with the intention to not make me feel bothered. I want to share all the tears and laughters with the one who never mind to be his true self with his flaws and mistakes he regretted to make them repeatedly.
Getting over him was my final decision as I found out he started a new life with the woman who is perfect for him. I bear in mind how I stated that he was a perfect and beautiful human and I supposed my imperfection may be the reason the universe took him away from me. Probably he was never meant for me or our destiny actually didn’t cross one another but he had been so impactful for my personal growth. He was not as bad as I should judge him as if he never gave me a good treat.
I liked seeing he could be fine without me and how he achieved everything he dreamed of. Apparently he is still the same person I knew five years ago but the presence of his other significant has helped him to be the better version of himself. This year, I stopped stalking over his social platform to see how happy he is now. To be honest, I am like most girls who use their hidden skill to check up on their crush or ex they loved the most. I don’t deny this fact because I used to do that whenever my heart and mind couldn’t go a day without thinking about somebody I like or admire. I’m also aware when I should stop doing those useless stuffs for someone who could live his life like nothing has ever happened between me and him.
Writing about him always makes me feel elated because he will always be my greatest muse, heartbreak and discover. His attendance into my life altered me very much for I used to think life was only about black and white before I met him. I was the one who wanted to give up on my dreams because I had no great support system as he has. He was my human diary where I could talk about my good and bad days. Nobody else before him that could give me the feelings he made me hardly to get rid of the expectations to have him in my life far longer and loving him far better. I don’t want to exaggerate any wounds he made me felt for years. I guess I was the one who shattered my heart to pieces because I couldn’t admit his departure from my life. I could be a fool when something didn’t work as I wanted.
He meant so much to me but I never knew how he saw my presence into his life because one of many reasons we parted because he always said he was busy and I always tried to understand him until we gradually lost contact and our relationship couldn’t be saved as well. Perhaps some things should end for a good reason to stop investing time and energy on a wrong place for long time. In the end, you have to be very carefully in love with the person you are never sure that they can be the one for you, you heart can deceive you somewhile and you mind can tell things otherwise.
Maybe it wasn’t love but it was just my hope to make him staying longer to be my companion to uncover and recover my wounded self. Maybe I couldn’t handle myself and problems by myself because I couldn’t trust the universe would help me out of the situation I never asked to occur. Eventually, maybe he was unplanned thing that was meant to color some pages in my life. I couldn’t thank him enough for the beautiful magic that has ever happened into my life. I would never be dare to be who I am if it was never for his help to figure out the good sides of myself.
