Flipping through the old pages.

bea.
6 min readNov 17, 2022

In my eyes, we’ve ever tried to change somebody in our life or we’ve ever wished that person would change one day. For whatever reason, some of us might have done that. So far, you may be successful or you stopped your thoughts to do it. I was a fool for several people. I invested time and energy to change a person and situation until I bursted into tears many times. It didn’t work out because no matter how much I loved that person wholeheartedly, I could get tired of trying to change their bad traits because I got hurt emotionally for keeping them in my life for long time. I became so far from myself and I wasn’t able to be who truly I am around those kind of people. There’ll come the moment you’ve to let go of people for the sake of your own good. Also, create boundaries for certain people who you cannot avoid for long term.

Change comes from consciousness, willingness and consistency. I don’t object people who said it’s already his or her strong character when they’ve spent their entire life confronting people with bad influence for their mental state and mindset. It’s uneasy for me to acknowledge it to apply that kind of tolerance into my personal life. Having a strong character may be good for us in life especially in a societal structure, a professional field, or a spesific area. Still, if somebody cannot accept critics or advices, that can be hardship and start making problem in how we communicate and exchange ideas. There won’t happen a change if someone don’t want to hear criticsm, counsels and other constructive things for themselves. I’ll talk based on my personal experience of how I coped with toxic relationships. It could’ve affected how I see anyone, any kind of relationship, also the future connection of me and that person. I’m gonna write about people without referring to a certain gender.

Below are types of people I’ve met hardly to change :

a) A person with anger issues. There is none of personality in ourselves that is not affected by our environment or childhood. Your parents contributed to form your personality traits but you can also pick consciously for how you want to behave and use your brain to think the negative or positive things for your action toward people. Not everything you’ve got from your parents as role model is good for you. Intergenerational trauma or wound truly exists. Probably the problems can be clearly seen once you become a grown up. If you were raised by a good temper, firm and wise parents to tell you about your wrongs and rights, you’ll know how to react to others the same way.

I spent years dealing with a person with anger issues. Somebody who had no control over their own resentment and get angry easily at anything. I’m not saying I have no rage in me but I think everyone needs to learn how to regulate their bad emotions very well. If you get mad at someone and you cannot hold it, take a deep breath and a break from the person who caused it from your sight but I won’t say silent treatment is a good option in this situation yet tell them you would like to talk about your anger the next day or the night before you are off to sleep. Don’t sleep in unfinished anger. Really, you won’t get anything by immersing yourself and others in wrath.

b) Somebody who tells you about your faults loudly and publicly. No matter how disappointed you are of someone, do not address their mistake with loud voice and in public space. Talk face to face where no one would watch and hear. I will repeat over and over again, learn how to manage your bad emotions and you will know how it benefits your life and people around you. I don’t mind being reminded of my faults but it could tear me apart if someone would remind me like they want to make fun of my wrongs and it sounds like they want to weaken me with all the things I did incorrectly. Nobody will get what you’d tell how to learn to do better if you would joke at their first attempt. Somewhile, you are unaware of this kind of bullying could happen around us in a playground, high school, university, or at workplace.

Imagine yourself as a kid and depict how it makes you deeply feel about those who are laughing your small mistakes. There was no good feeling in it. I mean when we were kids and we went through that moment once in a lifetime. That could be the beginning someone might be feeling to lose their self esteem and get trust issue of people around them. In ourself, we’ve ever been kids, teenagers, and adults. Rethink everytime you want to tell the ones who did something wrong with the way you to want people tell you the mistakes you might have done too.

c) Verbal and physical abusers. I am never a victim of physical abuse but I was suffered from verbal abuse. I don’t feel it can be normalized to let people do abusiveness when they feel as if they have more power over yourself. Being somebody’s person does not make anybody can take your human rights and think you are enslaved by becoming their people. Even your family is not allowed to do this to you. When I was a kid, I watched over a man who kicked his wife on the road when they were arguing about something I didn’t know the causes.

That dreadful sight brainwashed me about the idea of marriage and men spesifically but once I grew up I started believing that there’ll surely be the right one for you to make any kind of relationship work out, with the only right one who would bring back your trust, safe and healthy connection, that is what I heard from a psychiatrist could make sense to me. I didn’t understand how a man can be so harmful for his loved ones but I know a woman can be treacherous for others too. We all can be a monster if we cannot control ourselves though. We are basically negative and positive people. We have both in us. I believe that we can manage which portion of negativity and positivity to win over our mind and doings.

According to me, some people would never change. If someone would like to change, let them change for themselves consciously. You can help them to spot their bad traits but do not let yourself be as their strong reason to put work in a change. Never force somebody and situation to be as your expectation. It is alright to give them space and time to change but it sounds you still embed hope and give chance to them. It will never be an easy option. Think scrupulously before choosing to stay to change someone or leaving to change your situation with their absence.

When you know, you know. If you feel something worth to wait and someone is worthy of your time and energy, make sure to ask the tiniest part of your heart and use your rationality too. You don’t demand too much when you want to change someone or you wish them to change. Everyone wants to see someone in their life to grow to become the better version of themselves as a person and a professional likewise. Sometimes, we hope for the best in someone to change and make it as our responsibility to help them for a change.

Maybe it’s unbearable to look them staying the same. People only change when they are conscious and they want to learn. Your consciousness is one of skills you need in life. You are not better than someone else, I am not better than you too, we all are just trying to be better version of ourselves from our own point of view. We all change what we can change as long as we want the changes come into our life. At last, nothing occurs instantly because everything takes time certainly.

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